The psychology of gift-giving

For many of us, Christmas is a season of joy, unity, and generosity.

It's the time of year when we delight in twinkling lights, festive music, and the anticipation of giving and receiving gifts.

However, as heartwarming as it can be, giving gifts brings a unique blend of stress, expectation, and sometimes anxiety.

Why do we care so much about gift-giving, and what does it say about us?

To understand, we must look deeper into the psychology behind this long-standing tradition and explore its significance for Māori and Pacific people.

Joy of giving

At first glance, giving a gift appears to be a selfless act to make someone else happy.

However, psychologists argue that giving is just as much about the giver as it is about the receiver.

In Polynesian cultures, taonga (treasures) plays a central role, where gifts symbolise respect, connection, and honour. Photo/File.

Research shows that giving triggers the brain’s reward centre, releasing dopamine, a feel-good chemical that provides a sense of satisfaction and joy.

In Aotearoa and across the Pacific, gift-giving often holds cultural and social significance.

In Polynesian cultures, taonga (treasures) plays a central role, where gifts symbolise respect, connection, and honour.

These gifts can include handcrafted items, food, or family heirlooms, emphasising emotional meaning over material value.

According to psychologist Dr Elizabeth Dunn, giving to others through material gifts or acts of kindness can significantly improve our well-being.

This aligns with Pacific traditions where collective well-being and reciprocity, such as koha (gifts of gratitude), form the foundation of gift exchange.

Whether in the form of money, food, or time, giving improves social ties and fosters a sense of belonging.

Why gift-giving is stressful

Despite the joy of giving, there’s no denying that Christmas gift-giving can also be incredibly stressful.

This stress arises from the social expectations and unspoken rules surrounding gifts.

There’s pressure to find a meaningful, thoughtful, and ideally surprising gift without being too extravagant or impersonal.

The stakes feel high because gifts often communicate how much we value someone.

Me and my family opened our Christmas presents a week early because everyone would be away during Christmas day. Photo/Sariah Magaoa.

Get it right, and you feel like a hero. Get it wrong, and it can feel like a failure.

Psychologists refer to this as the symbolic weight of gifts.

A poorly chosen present can unintentionally send a message that we don’t know or care about the recipient.

This symbolic pressure can also be seen in Pacific communities, where giving is tied to tradition and responsibility.

The expectations can weigh heavily on individuals, especially those facing financial strain, while trying to fulfil cultural obligations during events like Christmas or family gatherings.

There is also the financial burden associated with gift-giving.

A 2021 survey by Westpac New Zealand found that 54 per cent of Kiwis feel financial stress during the holidays, with much of this pressure linked to buying gifts.

In Pacific cultures, where communal living and sharing are core values, overspending can happen to meet cultural or familial expectations, adding an emotional layer to financial strain.

Science of choosing the right gift

So, how do we choose the ‘right’ gift?

Behavioural psychologists suggest that the most meaningful gifts are not necessarily the most expensive but those that show a deep understanding of the recipient.

The best gifts align with the recipient’s identity, values, and desires.

A study found that recipients prefer gifts they have specifically asked for, yet givers often overthink and choose surprises, believing those will be more meaningful.

Throwback to last Christmas 2023 and the presents I got when I was back home in Niue. Photo/Sariah Magaoa.

In Māori and Pacific contexts, thoughtful gifts often incorporate cultural identity and personal significance.

In Aotearoa, handmade crafts, books about the region, or local experiences (like a haka performance or nature trips) are treasured gifts.

In Pacific communities, food plays a significant role. A well-prepared umu feast or a basket of local fruits and produce can be seen as far more meaningful than something bought at the shop.

A love language

For many, gift-giving is a way to express love.

Dr Gary Chapman, author of The 5 Love Languages, identifies gift-giving as one of the five primary ways people express and receive love.

For those whose love language is gifts, giving and receiving is not about the material item but the thoughtfulness behind it. It’s about feeling seen, appreciated, and cherished.

This is why a small, meaningful gift can have an emotional impact that far exceeds its monetary value.

A carefully chosen book, a framed photo, or a handwritten letter can often say more than any expensive gadget.

In Pacific families, a meaningful gift might be passed down through generations, symbolising family heritage or a service offered to reflect love and respect.

Reframing gift-giving: less stress, more meaning

How can we reclaim the joy of giving while managing the stress that often accompanies it?

First, it helps to remember that gifts are about connection, not perfection. The true spirit of Christmas lies in thoughtfulness, not in the size or price of the present.

Next, consider simplifying the process. Opt for gifts that hold personal meaning such as experiences like concert tickets, trips, or homemade meals, rather than physical items.

The Christmas gifts I received last week. Photo/Sariah Magaoa.

Research shows that shared experiences often bring greater happiness than material goods because they create lasting memories.

In Pacific contexts, this might mean reconnecting with traditional practices such as communal meals, handmade crafts, or gifts of time and service.

In Aotearoa, there is a growing trend towards sustainable and locally-made gifts, reflecting both thoughtfulness and environmental awareness.

Finally, be kind to yourself. The pressure to give the ‘perfect’ gift is often self-imposed.

Remember, giving itself, no matter how big or small, is what truly matters.

Season of connection

The psychology of gift-giving reveals that this holiday tradition extends beyond merely exchanging items.

It is a powerful act of love, thoughtfulness, and connection.

When done with care, giving gifts can strengthen relationships, bring joy to friends and families, and remind us of what matters most: the people we share our lives with.

This Christmas, let’s focus on the meaning behind the gifts we give, rather than material expectations. After all, the best gifts are those that come from the heart.

Photo/Sariah Magaoa.