‘Go on and live a good life’

This week, thousands around the world celebrated World Cancer Day, and I’ve been thinking about what my oncologist said to me a few weeks ago.

“Go on and live a good life,” she responded after I asked, “What happens next?”

It was my last appointment at Starship Hospital’s oncology ward, nine years after I was diagnosed with a brain tumour.

Hearing those words in the same room where I once questioned my mortality was euphoric.

A heartwarming update

I met with my oncologist of nine years, alongside my mum and youngest brother, who was only three when I was sick.

The first question my oncologist asked me was: “So, what have you been up to?”

Sitting in the same chair - that many times before held terror, guilt, frustration, and optimism - hearing that was so refreshing.

In brief, I explained to my oncologist how life has unfolded since I last saw her.

The last photo I took as I left Starship Hospital's Cancer Ward. Photo/Matt Manukuo

I moved to Dunedin, got my degree, moved home, started a career in journalism, and am now living a happy and healthy life. It felt refreshing knowing the many hours I spent in the ward, crippled by my condition, had come full circle.

Those moments where I wished for normality and dreamed of a beautiful life had come true. She wore a smile on her face the whole time I was speaking, and the funny thing was, my explanation felt like I was telling a story that lasted hours.

I realised how grateful I was knowing how my life had turned out. I felt privileged because I know not many other people get the opportunity to live on after cancer. I mean, I thought I wouldn’t either.

A thousand questions

Hundreds of questions spilled from my brother’s mouth when we arrived at the hospital.

He was only three, when I faced this horrific disease. So, every question he had, I made sure to answer.

Graduation Day in 2022 at the University of Otago. Photo/Ethan Manukuo.

Once we got to the ward, I walked him through the room where I once had chemotherapy and showed him around the place that looked the same as it did in 2016.

Some of the questions he had, I too had when I was 15. Trying to make sense of the hospital visits, the sick children around me, and how on earth I was going to get better.

He asked why I had lost my hair, what the IV machines were for, and how chemotherapy felt.

Every question that followed from my younger brother made me feel like an expert, and not because of a specialised education, but because I specialised in experience.

Survivor’s guilt

I always have a weird feeling going back into the cancer ward at Starship. Not only is it a chapter of life I’ve moved on from, but it also feels like peeking into a grave I was not yet ready for.

My baby brother, Riley, shaved his hair one day because I was bald! Photo/Nancy Manukuo

Cancer is a tricky disease. When I first learned I had it, my immediate thought was I was going to die. Bear in mind, I was only 15 at the time.

But what I didn’t realise was my battle was not over when I finished treatment or when I had my last appointment with my doctor.

It has continued as the years have gone on. I had panic attacks in my last year of high school, something I learned was due to the intensity of my cancer journey.

I learned of a memory impairment in my first year of university which has affected my ability to retain information.

Meanwhile, my family members were also falling victim to cancer.

I remember spending half an hour crying on the phone to my dad, frustrated about these lasting effects and confused about why I had survived. What made me special? Why me?

That’s when I learned of survivor’s guilt, which happens when individuals feel guilty after surviving a near-death or traumatic event when others perished.

To be honest, it took me a while to accept that surviving cancer was for a reason.

Live a good life

Nine years after I was diagnosed, I was finally officially discharged from Starship Hospital. I carried reassurance the sickness would not return and I could live my life well.

I’ve battled with cancer physically, through chemotherapy treatments and several painful surgeries. I have also battled with cancer mentally, through anxiety, frustration, and fear, years beyond my diagnosis.

This was the day I had to shave my hair off after losing it because of the chemotherapy. Photo/Kevin Manukuo

But one thing I have learned which has stuck with me is the importance of persistence. Through my journey, I’ve built a strong attitude and resilience that has allowed me to achieve so much.

When my oncologist told me to “go and live a good life,” she said that with a big smile on her face.

Knowing I have survived and will continue to live a good life, I feel like the prayers of my loved ones have been answered. I owe it to them and myself to live a good life after surviving cancer, so in everything I do, I try to give it my all.

Although at times I’ve felt like I’ve fallen short of those expectations, I have accepted every step, however big or small, should be championed.

So, I’m determined to continue to live a good life for as long as I live!